My days are filled with Jiana's naps, feedings, playing with her, cleaning out old drawers in my house and having lunches with my co-workers, hubby, and family. Not bad, right? Well, I haven't had this "easy" life for a long time. Easy, in the sense that i'm not rushing around like a chicken with my head cut off! (and literally, thats how it is normally!) I am enjoying staying home with my girls, and it really has refreshed me. I was just talking to my girlfriend, Sarah, who moved to Colorado recently, about how this burden of guilt that I used to carry around has lifted from my shoulders. As all moms know, guilt is the emotion that comes most strongly after love. You love your children but you also feel guilty, ALWAYS. Whether you are a stay at home mom, you feel it, whether you work, you feel it.. the darn thing doesn't leave!
This emotion was my best friend for the first two years of Suhana's life. I worked full time up until I went on maternity leave for Jiana. I would try to spend every waking moment with Suhana, in the hopes that that would make up for working and not being around. I would hardly see my friends, rarely have play dates with other kids, because that would take away "my time" with Suhana. I would rush home from work, so I could play with her, feed her, give her a bath and then put her to sleep, trying to squeeze every ounce of time with her before another crazy day started. To sum it up, I was exhausted a lot! Avikar can attest to that.
Needless to say, these last four months at home have been so NICE! I see my kids and do fun things with them. I can go to a movie with Avikar and NOT feel guilty. It's been a relief. So much so, that I am looking forward to going back to work in April and having a balance. I will have a part time schedule (perfect!!!!!!!!!!!!) which will allow me to spend time with the girls and not be so neurotic about it, that I can have date night with Avikar, what a novel idea. And the thing I miss most is being around other adults and using my brain. I have an amazing group of colleagues who make it fun and worth the extra stress of our jobs.
So, in conclusion, the guilt will never leave completely, which is good, but has greatly diminished and things are back in perspective.
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